I’ve had this thought brewing in my brain for years and years and in emailing with Dave today, I was persuaded to write it out and post it for your reading pleasure.
As I have mentioned before, I used to work in a music / video store. I spent all of the “˜90’s working at said store and saw just about every new video release come through our doors. Be it rental or sale, theatrical release or direct to video. After seeing movie after movie starring Steven Seagal I started to see a pattern. I once voiced this idea ages ago, got some laughs, and then went about my day. Funny how things come back around. This thought popped up again today and here it is: have you ever noticed that you can totally create a movie synopsis by using Steven Seagal’s movie titles?
If I had to write the synopsis of Steven Seagal: The Movie, I imagine it would go something like this. (Titles are in bold and are in no particular order)
Steven Seagal stars in this nail-biting explosive action/drama about a man who was Marked for Death. Finding him Hard to Kill, the notorious Clementine gang kills his family instead. Upon hearing the news of his family’s slaughter and knowing the police can’t help, he decides to work Above the Law and take matters into his own hands. He’s Out for Justice, Out of Reach and Driven to Kill in a quest to avenge his family. Knowing he is treading On Deadly Ground, he makes the Executive Decision to enlist the help of a former foe, known only as The Glimmer Man. Together they take to the streets, enforcing their own brand of Urban Justice. Putting the deadly gang Under Siege, laying down the Kill Switch and delivering the final blow, they leave the Clementine gang Submerged and Pistol Whipped in their wake. Walking away with a few Exit Wounds, and knowing he must go On the Run, he walks off into the Black Dawn.
If Don LaFontaine were still alive, I would love to hear his voice on that trailer. If I was tech savvy I would create my own trailer! I know it’s completely silly and cheesy, but if I were to see this trailer”¦.I would totally go see it and add it to my Guilty Pleasures list.
Do you have a Variation on Seagal or any other actor for that matter? I’d love to read it!
