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The Truffles – The 2017 HeyUGuys Alternative Movie Awards

Dec 21, 2017

Welcome to the annual HeyUGuys alternative movie awards – The Truffles 2017!

As is tradition we asked our writers to give their own bespoke awards of the year, and the are collected here as a choice selection of celebrations and condemnations. The very best of the year lining up against the critical wall with the very worst. These are the films we loved and the ones we hated, the performances that flew under the radar and those which were off the charts awful. We are shining our spotlight on the good, the bad and the emoji movie.

In every year there is much to enjoy, and we firmly hope that some of these choices will prompt you to catch up with the hidden gems of the year. We also hope to steer you away from some of the poorest offerings in the annual basket.

We also wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for continuing to choice HeyUGuys for all your movie needs, we wish you all a very wonderful Christmas and a reely great New Year.

Jon and Dave

Let’s kick off! We begin with the choices of

Cai Ross

The Anchorman 2 (or “Too Little Too Late”) Award for Least Inspiring Return After Far Too Long Away.

T2 Trainspotting

t2-trainspotting-quad-poster

One of the most depressing trends of recent years has been the sequel released far too long after the original in order to capitalise on years of accumulated goodwill, only to be shown up as a cynical facsimile created for brazenly nefarious purposes. Dumb & Dumber To springs to mind, as does Zoolander No.2, but the same could also be said for Tron: Legacy or Indiana Jones and The Aliens At The End and The CGI Monkeys Something Something Crystal Skull.

Released just shy of Trainspotting’s 20th anniversary, T2 looked like it might be the one to break the spell, what with all the original cast members on board and Danny Boyle back in the director’s chair. 1996-era students whose twenties were defined by the first film readied themselves in frenzied anticipation, only to come up against the movie equivalent of middle-age spread.

It wasn’t just the fact that it was a sub-par, tired and disinterested tale that hurt; what really stung were the desperate, forced salutes to the greatest British film of the 1990s. Renton’s updated ‘Choose life…’ monologue pops up for literally no earthly reason. The scene where he and Sick Boy shoot up seemed to have been edited in because someone decided that a Trainspotting film without drugs would be like a Jaws sequel without a shark. Even the film’s title made no sense.

To make matters worse, nine months later Denis Villeneuve showed everyone exactly how to make an overdue sequel to a beloved original with his staggeringly beautiful Blade Runner 2049. Astonishingly, it repeated the first film’s poor box office performance – though such will be the swell of goodwill over the coming years that Blade Runner 2084, starring an aged Ryan Gosling and a CGI likeness of Harrison Ford will undoubtably be a highpoint in the 2052 Summer Movie Season. Your grandkids are going to love it.

Runner Up:

XXX: The Return of Xander Cage, the least required, most unrequested sequel since King Kong Lives.

The ‘Psycho ’98 Award’ for The Stupidest Idea For A Film Which Suddenly Started To Look Like It Might Be An Interesting Idea But Which Ultimately Proved To Be Just A Stupid Idea After All™:

Monster Trucks

“There are these big slimy monsters, OK but they hide inside trucks. Plus, because they’re monsters, they can make the trucks go really fast and jump and run up mountains and things like that.”

“I like it. Here’s 125 million dollars.”

They wouldn’t give Francis Ford Coppola the money to make Megalopolis, but that pitch got a green light?! The premise was so loopy that right up until the screening, I was convinced that this must be a Trojan Horse of genius, hiding within an imbecilic pitch but no. It was simply imbecilic. Incidentally, Monster Trucks also wins the ‘Cole Trickle Award’ for most idiotic character name for its plucky young hero, Tripp Coley.

Runners Up:
The Mummy, CHiPS, The Great Wall, Baywatch.

The John Cazale Award For Best Scene Stealing

Hugh Grant (Paddington 2)

In a film so overpacked with delight and pleasure, Hugh Grant’s self-mocking, egomaniacal, mildly talented Phoenix Buchanan took a great family film into the realms of the magically perfect. With the line, ’I’ve never had any complaints about Mr and Mrs Botty Cheek,’ Mr Grant achieved a level of greatness conferred only upon the very few, though he is starting to look so much like Edward Fox that I half expected him to start shooting watermelons with a sniper’s rifle.

Paddington 2 also contains my nomination for the single funniest movie moment of 2017. One word – ‘Nuckle’s’

Runners Up:

Taika Waititi in Thor: Ragnarok, Lucy Davis in Wonder Woman, Lil Rel Howery in Get Out, Daniel Craig in Logan Lucky and John C Reilly in Kong: Skull Island.

The Unextended Universe Award For Putting The Cart Before The Horse.

The Mummy.

The gradual build-up of Marvel’s cinematic universe over the past decade has been a wonderfully exciting thing to observe, not to mention staggeringly successful – $12 billion worldwide and counting. The strategy has been patient, careful and not without its risks: giving Thor to Kenneth Branagh, for example or casting Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man at a time when he was seen as a major gamble.

Mistakes were made (The Incredible Hulk and Iron Man 2 were a little ‘all-over-the-place’) but Marvel learned from them, and when the time came to put the gang together for Avengers Assemble, they had created an perfectly cast group of characters that audiences had fallen in love with over many years.

Success breeds imitations, of course it does, but the depressing banality of Justice League (I don’t know about you, but every day, I forget it just a little bit more) was a punishing reminder that you can’t skip the hard work when creating a new Universe. The Avengers took Marvel years to put together. DC seemed to think that all they had to do was copy & paste the whole thing and just change the costumes. The result has been so justifiably unloved that it’s very likely that the whole DCU project will have to be scrapped and started again from scratch (save the already-shot Aquaman and DC’s sole triumph, Gal Godot’s wonderful Wonder Woman).

Then again, at least DC attempted to build some kind of anticipation with a few stand-alones before their big, multi-hero shindig. Universal couldn’t even be bothered to do that. This year they boldly announced their Dark Universe…universe, which would see their library of classic 1930s/40s horror movies updated for modern audiences. It started with a group shot of Tom Cruise, Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, Sofia Boutella and Javier Bardem – the new icons of 21st century horror.

They even created a new ident and an ominous theme that announced the first of many Dark Universe movies to come. However, what followed that ident was a spectacularly misconceived, tonally rudderless, utterly unscary mess made unbearable by unimaginative CGI and the most detestable, poorly written character that Cruise has ever played.

The result was $80m domestic off a $125m budget and some of the worst reviews of the year. All of a sudden, Bill Condon’s Bride of Frankenstein was ‘postponed,’ and the Dark Universe project managers, Alex Kurtzman and Chris Morgan upped sticks. I hope Universal didn’t spend too much on that ident; they’re clearly not going to get much use out of it.

The moral of the story is that audience goodwill cannot be bought, only earned. Just ask Marvel.

The Thomas Sullivan Magnum Award For Moustache of The Year.

Sir Kenneth Branagh (Murder on The Orient Express)

Not since the heyday of Tom Selleck in his Hawaiian shirt and microscopic shorts, has the unironic moustache enjoyed such a renaissance. It could be the Movember craze, or just the knock-on effect of so many bearded hipsters in our midst but truly, the humble moustache has been legitimised once again and the cinema of 2017 duly paid homage.

The honorary mention section below bears testimony to a fine and wide selection of soup-strainers but nothing could possibly prepare us for Branagh’s take on one of literature’s most celebrated ‘taches. Boasting the widespread width of a Spitfire propellor, this extraordinary windmill of facial shrubbery was a moustache that seemed to have grown its own moustache.

Conveniently, it managed to distract us from the fact that everybody already knew who the murderer was.

Honorary mention:
Julian Barratt in Mindhorn, David Thewlis in Wonder Woman, Pedro Pascal’s ‘Burt Reynolds’ in Kingsman: The Golden Circle and Henry Cavill in Justice League (Disqualified).

Dave Roper

Best Film of the Year

Blade Runner 2049

Admittedly this year suffered from the same problem as most previous years – not enough time and money for me to get along and see everything that I wanted to, but still. I can’t help but feel that if I had seen everything on offer this year, Blade Runner 2049 would still have been at or near the top of my list.

I have waxed eloquent about this film already, so I won’t repeat myself but it is a rare film indeed that manages to feel like style over substance and substance over style all in one film. Its breath-taking beauty is matched only by the depth and breadth of its themes – isolation and alienation, humanity and mortality, spirit and soul, memory and identity, family and purpose. For a film to remain as light on its feet as Blade Runner 2049 does, despite such heft, is a phenomenal achievement. Blade Runner has had 35 years to embed itself in film lore and critical affections, so it is undoubtedly too early to try to assess the sequel’s potential for enduring appeal, but at first flush it is every bit the equal of its progenitor. An astonishing film.

Most Inevitable Turkey

Justice League

The last minute involvement of ensemble-wrangler extraordinaire Joss Whedon proved to be a false dawn. Too much was wrong in the DNA of the DCEU – too many tonal, script and actor issues. It was never going to be anything other than an overblown mess of incoherent CGI. What we hadn’t necessarily anticipated was how bored Ben Affleck was going to look and how much fun Paramount were going to have by refusing to allow Cavill to shave off his moustache, leaving WB with a stupid-looking Superman and a (reputed) $25m F/X bill.

It just goes to show – the bloated run times weren’t the issue. There’s something rotten in DC.

Most Surprising Delight

Thor: Ragnarok

Thor was great – lots of silliness and self-awareness to punctuate the risk of self-importance in the tale of gods and demi-gods. Thor: The Dark World had some solid moments, but was overall a lacklustre affair, with a non-descript villain and not enough interconnective tissue.

Enter Taika Waititi, with a comedic sensibility but also the ability to wrangle the big-budget behemoth that is your average MCU entry. Ragnarok was spendidly, almost ridiculously entertaining and funnier than pretty much any other film this year, let alone any previous MCU films. Ant-Man had its fair share of belly laughs, but Ragnarok was something else. Credit where it is due, Marvel didn’t give away too much at all in the trailers, with all manner of surprise cameos, visual gags and surreal moments being left for us to enjoy in all their unexpected hilarity. Willy Wonka riffs, rock/paper/scissors jokes, a masturbating joke involving a rock monster and Thor’s relationship with Mjolnir, slapstick aplenty – it is at once hard to believe Marvel gave it the go-ahead and yet simultaneously wonderful that they did. The world and 2017’s cinema landscape would be all the poorer without it. It’s not that I expected it to be rubbish, or even boring, I just didn’t expect it to be this good, this funny, this surprising.

Least Successful “Universe” Launch

Universal’s Dark Universe

DCEU keep plugging away, though their grand plans seem to be all-but officially up in the air after yet another false dawn with Justice League. Wonder Woman is officially an outlier now, rather than a promising sign of a new trending direction for DC. But 2017 wasn’t the launch of their Universe, even if it ultimately goes down as the beginning of their end. No, the big “over before it started” story was Universal’s Dark Universe, heralded by impressive-looking ensemble photo shoots featuring The Mummy, Frankenstein’s Creature, Dr Jekyll and The Invisible Man (before he disappeared) before the whole enterprise was sunk by one lacklustre offering and an overwhelming sense on the part of refreshingly clear-thinking executives at Universal that this thing was fast going to become a black hole that would suck in lots of money without spitting anything worthwhile out in return. It is an indication of just how difficult to achieve (and hard to replicate) Marvel’s phenomenal success has been. RIP, all those iconic Universal characters.

Most Unashamedly Enjoyable Stand Alone Film

Baby Driver

No set up for a sequel, no cumbersome over-arching mythology to fit into, no post-credits sting. Just loads of fun, loads of action, killer editing, phenomenal soundtrack and a star-making turn from Ansel Elgort. Scott Pilgrim had already amply demonstrated that Edgar Wright could succeed away from Pegg & Frost (just as they showed with Paul that they could succeed without him), but Baby Driver was less of an acquired taste, less of a cult classic in the making – this was and is really solid action cinema, away from the absurd budgets of the Fast/Furious franchise entries.

Despite the phenomenal effort involved in splicing the literal beats of the soundtrack into the thematic and camera beats from the film, it never felt unwieldy, instead it came across as a breath of fresh air, light and effortless, despite there being real threat and stakes for all concerned as well. This was fantastic but never fantastical, the camera and car-work breath-taking and inventive, but never supernatural or laws-of-physics-defying.

Most Successful Traversing of the Uncanny Valley

War For The Planet Of The Apes

To be honest, the so-called Uncanny Valley (that disconnect you get with performance-captured CGI where the eyes aren’t quite right and it pulls you out of the film) has been consigned to history as of a number of years ago, so quickly and impressively has the technology moved on from films like Final Fantasy, The Polar Express and Beowulf. But the work done for War For The Planet of the Apes was/is something else. As Woody Harrelson’s Colonel so succinctly puts it when he meets Andy Serkis’s Caesar, “You look almost human”.

We know that they aren’t live-action apes, but the effects work is so immersive, so convincing, so comprehensively seamless that we are able to buy into the story, the characters and the emotional arcs. It is what effects work should always be, a storytelling tool to aid with audience investment, rather than spectacle for the sake of showing off. Rain-dappled fur, focused, doleful eyes, completely believable detail. A new high-water mark.

Most Hilarious (alleged) instance of studio non-cooperation

Paramount/Warner Bros

Goodness knows what the truth of this seeming debacle is – we may never find out the truth. The version I most love is what seems to be “out there”, namely that Paramount had Henry Cavill on board for Mission: Impossible, sporting a moustache. WB needed Cavill for Justice League, without said moustache. Rather than have him shave it off then re-grow it, word has it that Paramount refused to allow Cavill to do so, leaving WB with a rumoured $25m post-production effects bill to digitally erase the moustache. They didn’t get away with it. Everyone noticed. The uncanny valley remained resolutely un-traversed. Cavill looked off-kilter in an already flawed and unsuccessful film. If this is even close to what happened, Paramount’s execs must have been peeing themselves at all of the fuss and expense they managed to put WB to. If it’s not true, then I don’t want to know. This is a wonderful feel-good story.

Sean Wilson

The ‘Inside Out For Stupid People’ award

The Emoji Movie

What’s more repellent than a so-called family-friendly movie encouraging children to disregard talking, reading and writing as outdated modes of communication? Yes, don’t speak to that girl sat four feet away. Use an emoji to tell her how you really feel! Fuse this with the most staggering array of corporate product placement seen in recent years (watch out for the Spotify and Dropbox action sequences) and a preponderance of poop jokes, and you come close to envisaging the cynical horror of The Emoji Movie. It’s certainly a candidate for the worst animated movie ever made.

Misunderstood Movie Of The Year award

Suburbicon

Let’s lay this on the line: George Clooney’s blackly comic satire is a massively flawed movie, the two halves of its narrative (one Hitchcockian, the other race-related) failing to dovetail as they should. However, in spite of its flaws, Clooney’s sense of anger in delivering a modern-day state of the union address is palpable, and there are scenes of genuine, disturbing power, including the climactic dinner table sequence with an impressively tortured Matt Damon. Audiences and critics clearly didn’t want it, but, frankly, give me an admirable, scattershot failure than a coherent, cynical, profiteering piece of trash any day of the week.

Best Jump Scare Of The Year award

Dunkirk

We’ve come to rely on Christopher Nolan to redefine the concept of the blockbuster, but this summer he took it to the next level. A screen-filling, seat-clenching and quite terrifying immersion in the visceral realities of the Dunkirk conflict, this riveting World War II thriller does a spectacular job of suggesting, rather than showing, the violence erupting around us through IMAX-lensed visuals and all-encompassing sound design. The latter becomes immediately apparent in the opening seconds of the movie with an ear-splitting volley of gunfire causing us to leap from our seats. It’s a nerve-shattering scene-setter for what’s to come.

Scene-Chewer Of The Year award

Sharlto Copley (Free Fire)

Ben Wheatley’s wickedly entertaining shoot-em-up pits an international cast of A-listers against one another, all of whom are having a whale of a time. The flurry of American, Irish and South African accents whizz and pop as fast as the bullets zinging around the screen, and the latter country is represented by a typically OTT Copley who’s having a blast as sleazy gun-runner, Vern. A man who is more concerned about damage to his 1970s shoulder pads than a bullet in the back of a fellow human, Copley’s blackly comic performance is the voltage that powers Wheatley’s movie. Watch and Vern, indeed.

Hero Of The Year

Jordan Peele (Get Out)

To burst out of the traps with a directorial debut as assured as Get Out is one thing. To craft a debut that has its finger so firmly on the pulse is another level of achievement entirely. Peele’s deliciously entertaining horror-satire is nothing less than a contemporary state of the union address, holding up a cracked mirror to the excesses and problems of 21st century society and daring us to look back. Not only a beautiful fusion of direction, writing and performance, it’s also the most perfect marriage of filmmaker and material seen this year.

Best On-Screen Couple

Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer (Call Me By Your Name)

Ardour has rarely burned as brightly as in this luminous adaptation from director Luca Guadagnino. The filmmaker takes the rippling emotional undercurrents of Andre Acamin’s source novel and makes them flesh, triumphing with the physical contrast between his two brilliant leads. As Elio, Chalament is rangy, gangly, intelligent and raging with hormones. As Oliver, Hammer is the embodiment of classical masculine beauty, but still racked with same desires and anxieties as his eventual lover. Watching the two come together – and apart – amidst the achingly beautiful 1980s Italian landscapes is a heartrending, bittersweet pleasure.

Best Newcomer

Brooklyn Prince (The Florida Project)

Sean Baker’s follow-up to his iPhone-lensed Tangerine must surely rank as one of the great cinematic depictions of childhood. Focusing on the semi-permanent residents of a motel project on the outskirts of Florida’s Disneyland, Baker’s movie is one of fleeting hope, humour and crushed dreams. It finds its centre in the sensational, 7-year-old Prince as the bolshy yet lovable Moonee, a young girl whose summer of freedom is steadily undercut by the economic realities of her living situation. Few could fail to have been moved by the devastating climactic sequence in which Prince’s acting really does pull on the heart strings.

Best-Scored Movie Of 2017

The Red Turtle (Laurent Perez del Mar)

Dutch filmmaker Michael Dudok de Wit’s gorgeous silent animation, backed by Studio Ghibli, is one of the year’s most breathtaking experiences. A parable about a shipwrecked man and his complex relationship with the red turtle of the title, it says more in the space of a few frames than a verbose movie can do in two hours. Key to its impact is the heavenly score by French composer del Mar: this being a silent movie the music becomes both the dialogue and heartbeat of the narrative, soaring Ennio Morricone-style as the storyline reveals yet more profound and troubling depths. Stunningly beautiful.

Best Choreography Of The Year

Harlem Shuffle sequence (Baby Driver)

Take the quintessential car chase thriller, powerslide it into the realm of the musical, and you’re still no closer to understanding the quixotic pleasures of Edgar Wright’s turbo-powered hit. Bouncing back from his aborted Ant-Man attempt, Wright stages any number of sequences that re-assert him as one of the most idiosyncratic directors of the modern age. Even so it’s the note-perfect opening credits sequence, as music-loving getaway driver Baby (Ansel Elgort) strolls along to the strains of Bob & Earl’s brassy swagger, that has helped redefine our mundane commute to work. Kudos to veteran choreographer Ryan Heffington for helping bring it all together.

Alex Clement

The award for feeling the most nostalgic

Beauty and the Beast

If you have never seen the original Beauty and the Beast by Walt Disney then where have you been all this time? When news hit the stratosphere that Emma Watson was the star in a new American remake, the internet blew up.

Some panicked and thought it wouldn’t do the original any justice and some were just excited for something new. Not only is this film a live action musical, it includes the original hits that make you sing-a-long happily with no care in the world. It was highly praised and not only was it perfect in every way, it also took me back to when I was a young girl living a carefree life.

The award for the best anticipated film that ended up being worse than its trailer

The Circle

With the cast including the likes of Emma Watson and Tom Hanks, the film looked hopeful. But soon enough it turned out to be dry and with no fulfilling storyline – what was even the point? The 2 minute trailer was better than the 110 minute film. It was emotionless and made Watson and Hanks fans very disappointed. The only thing that can be praised are the emotional performances by Bill Paxton and Glenne Headly before they sadly passed away. Other than that, this is when books should never be adapted.

The award for bringing back 70s/80s music (…again)

Guardians of the Galaxy 2

The one thing this film is loved for is its soundtrack. With modern music coming out from every nook and cranny, it’s a breath of fresh air to take a step back in time to listen to real music. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 brings back the love of the 70s/80s and we appreciate every single second of it.

With classics from Electric Light Orchestra, Cat Stevens and Fleetwood Mac, you don’t have to be born in the 70/80s to appreciate the sound of a decent tune. It’s rare to find old music in new Hollywood blockbusters. Keep it up Marvel.

James Perkins

The “David vs. Goliath” award for an indie film being superior to a blockbuster

Lazer Team 2 (vs Justice League)

From the get-go, the trailer for Justice League got audiences licking their lips for a film that would end their 2017 on a high after the critical and commercial success of Wonder Woman. But, unfortunately, after several reshoots and rewrites the film released like a wet paper towel and had many of us asking, how did this happen?

On the other end of the spectrum, a little indie film by the name of “Lazer Team 2” from our friends at Rooster Teeth released in November with fans loving what they’d done to continue this sci-fi franchise. For those who read my Lazer Team 2 review, you will remember that I mentioned about this film having better CGI than Justice League and that is why I have decided that Lazer Team 2 should win this award.

The “Liar Liar” award

Resident Evil: The FINAL Chapter

Let me start off by saying, the Resident Evil franchise is a huge guilty pleasure of mine. I love the games and hold them in high regard as the best horror franchise ever so when the movies came I was excited. Even though they never manage to capture the soul and essence of the games, I still have a lot of fun with them.

So when they announced the FINAL chapter would be coming I was sad to see it end. But that sadness was short lived when they very swiftly announced that the series would soon be rebooted making the name “The Final Chapter” obsolete and a lie. Let’s see if this reboot can give us the Resident Evil Live-Action film we’ve all been dreaming of.

The “Your Name of 2017” award

A Silent Voice

It’s no secret that Your Name is now my favourite film of all time and that these last couple of years has been incredible for the anime genre over here in the West. So I’ve decided to dedicate an award to the best anime film of the year and that is “A Silent Voice”.

A teen drama based on a manga of the same name, the story explores many emotions from guilt, sympathy and empathy in a group of young people. The main character goes on such a journey that it will have you captivated for the entire runtime. Seek this one out if you love character driven anime films.

The “It’s Been 84 Years” award

Boy (2010)

Taiki Waititi is now a household name after his success with blockbuster “Thor: Ragnarok”, but have you ever wondered where this amazing director started? Now UK audiences can see for themselves as one of his earliest (and best) films is finally available to view after SEVEN long years. A wonderfully funny and charming tale of a young boy reconnecting with his father was one of the best films I saw this year.

The “The Trailer told us NOTHING!” award

Brigsby Bear

In this day-and-age, trailers usually give away so much of the plot of a film, so when a trailer comes out and gives away very little but still entices us to check out the film, that is an incredible feat in itself. That was definitely the case with Brigsby Bear.

A trailer which showed clips of a robotic bear on a kids TV show and a grown man seeing the world through a glass dome was all that it took to get my behind in that cinema seat.

The “The Reason I don’t work in an Office” award

The Belko Experiment

“Office Space meets Battle Royale” in this chaotic and bloody horror thriller as trapped employees are forced into a sick game of last man standing. This film was an absolute riot and I loved every second of it from a viewer standpoint, however, this is prime reason why I don’t work in a office block, you never know who to trust.

The “Try Vegan” award

RAW

Julia Ducournau’s deliciously horrific film about a vegan veterinary student whose life is dramatically altered after an initiation ceremony was one of my favourite films of this year. It’s beautifully vicious, devilishly enticing and astonishingly shot – one not to be missed.

The “Kaiju of the Year” award

Godzilla (from “Shin Godzilla”)

The Toho reboot of the Godzilla franchise hit UK cinemas this year with a resounding return to form. The King of the Monsters was truly reborn in this adaptation that had him completely re-modeled into a terrifying creature that could lay waste to anywhere. He looked the part, he acted the part, he was awesome. The tallest and meanest on-screen incarnation of Godzilla to date.

Matt Rodgers

The Truman Show honour for best performance to be ignored during awards season 2017

Andy Serkis – War for the Planet of the Apes

The argument may be as tired as Caesar come the last of three performances of mo-capped masterclass in Matt Reeves’ criminally undervalued War for the Planet of the Apes, but it’ll be the final time the astonishing work of Andy Serkis can be acknowledged.

It’s so easy to dismiss what he achieves with Caesar as the work of pixels and processors, but he puts himself into that role in a way that so many so-called A-list actors cant manage without digital manipulation. In an ideal world he’d at least get a special recognition Oscar, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if he gets anywhere near the awards rostrum this year.

The T-800 Award for ickiest moment of on-screen gore 2017

Carla Gugino – Gerald’s Game

Do not read this if you’re yet to spend a weekend with Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood in Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game. Chain yourself to the nearest bed and watch it.

For the initiated, you know the scene we mean. The worst case of self-mutilation since Arnie triggered that flickknife in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. The difference here is that Gugino is no robot, so every sound effect or subsequent attempt to use her mangled appendage would make even James Franco from 127 Hours wince. Red licorice laces anyone?

The E.T. and Elliot Award for scene that will forever destroy you

Manchester by the Sea

There are certain moments in movies when no matter the situation in which you watch them; they’ll make something inside you snap. The incumbents of this award from Stephen Spielberg’s classic fable, even when viewed in an offhand, YouTube surfing five-minute window, have the propensity to break you with their goodbye.

This year’s recipients share barely ten minutes of screen time, but the final reel meeting of Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams in Kenneth Lonegran’s Manchester By the Sea is a brutal watch. A scene of uncorked emotion that’s bubbled beneath this tale of grief, has there been a scene all year in which so much has been said with so little?

The Rey gets her lightsabre moment of 2017

Entering No Mans Land – Wonder Woman

There might be better scenes this year, just take a look at Dunkirk, but this isn’t about technical bravura, or incredible dialogue, this is about those moments in which you feel the adrenalin surge through your body, eliciting the misting of eyes and the standing to attention of hairs. Those scenes in which cinema does something unexplained to you, something magical.

Wonder Woman was already winning us over thanks to Gal Gadot’s standout turn, but when she ascended that ladder, and strode over the battlefield, something happened. It’s really quite difficult to pinpoint why such a triumphant moment was so overwhelming to watch, but it was a crescendo of narrative and emotional beats which became one of the iconic moments of 2017.

The Christopher Plummer Award for the one thing you wish you could change about a film in 2017

The second half of Alien: Covenant – Alien: Covenant

Few movies failed to deliver on their promise like Ridley Scott’s return to Xenomorph horror withAlien: Covenant. We all got excited by the early teaser trailers, which hinted at the stalk-and-slash haunted house elements of Scott’s original, but by about half way through, the director had become bored with H.R. Giger’s creations and instead resorted to fingering with Michael Fassbender, at which point a facehugger would have been more fun than watching this iconic series struggle to stay interesting.

Linda Marric

The Timothée Chalamet Truffle For Most Nonchalant Performance By Anyone In Any Category

Timothée Chalamet (Call Me By Your Name)

If swanning around the Italian countryside looking dashingly handsome In Call Me By Your Name wasn’t enough, young Timmy also manages to do the whole thing with such effortless cool and nonchalance, making him into one of the most brilliantly self-aware young actors of his generation. This prize recognises an unwillingness to conform to type and a deep love for flirting, smoking and just generally looking cool as f.

Runner up

Timothée Chalamet in Lady Bird, this time in a far less sympathetic role and with way too much attitude, but still way too cool for school.

That’s it from us this year – see you next year?