It is an age-old debate which fuels many heated conversations between film fans: just who is the Ultimate Action Hero? The most bad-ass of them all who takes names and asks questions later? The one who stands tall in the face of adversity and beats it to the ground before delivering a quick-witted one-liner?
Well, to celebrate the UK release of Kickboxer:
Bloodshed and sweat can be expected, but there is no room for tears here. This is all-muscle, all-hustle as the biggest showdown of them all gets underway. We’d absolutely love to hear your thoughts on the Ultimate Action Hero, so leave us a comment below and let’s get brawling!
The Terminator vs. Chev Chelios
Two action bruisers who rely on more than the human anatomy to survive. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s The Terminator is a robotic killing machine who is programmed to show not a single ounce of mercy, whilst Jason Statham’s Chev Chelios is injected with a synthetic drug which reduces the amount of naturally produced adrenaline in his body. So in order to survive, he has to produce his own adrenaline – by being Jason Statham times one million.
Equipped with advanced Skynet technology, The 800-Series Terminator can withstand heavy weaponry assaults and explosions, and even crash through walls with limited damage. Chev’s over-fuelling of adrenaline thanks to kick-starting his heart with a car battery makes him extremely unpredictable and inhumanely strong; able to run, fight crash cars and snap necks at a remarkably insane pace.
Chev would throw punches, kicks and other forms of ludicrously mental violence in the T-800’s direction, but given the unrelenting impact he can handle, damage would be sporadic. The Terminator’s hyper-programmed assassination skills would be tested, as Chev is no easy target, but the cyborg would blast a hole through his chest and tear out that heart before it detonates.
Winner: The Terminator
James Bond vs. Jason Bourne
They get compared all the time, but they couldn’t be more different if they tried. The many incarnations of James Bond have always benefitted from a plethora of external resources and support from the flagship of British Intelligence, whilst Matt Damon’s amnesia-riddled Jason Bourne is fighting the very system that spawned him. One quilted in the light; the other cloaked in the shadows.
Bond’s sharpness for detailing makes him able to exploit his situations and environments; using the people and products at his disposal to fantastical effect. He is a militant hunter who’ll go the extra mile to achieve his goal, and is not afraid to derail from M16’s designated route in order to succeed.
Bourne on the other hand benefits from exceptional stealth, and an unmistakably brutal approach to combat. An assassin by trade, he can drop a target from a distance, or beat him to a pulp in a savage exchanging of fists. He also trusts very few and prefers to get his dirty work done on his terms; holding menacing vendettas and grudges against those who wronged him.
Whilst 007 will test Bourne with his surprisingly efficient gadgets, slick weaponry and wider advantageous support from Q Branch, Damon’s anti-hero won’t stand for any fancy nonsense. He’ll have the best of the British Service Service in a suffocating headlock, before repeatedly punching him in his beautiful face. Bond will just be another name on Bourne’s extensive and ever-growing kill list.
Winner: Jason Bourne
Colonel James Braddock vs. John Rambo
As you can see from the artwork above, there is a striking similarity between Chuck Norris’ all-action Colonel James Braddock and Sylvester Stallone’s all-killing commando John Rambo. That’s because they both appeared in basically the same movie; Missing in Action being a Rambo: First Blood B-Movie rip-off, but it makes them the perfectly matched pair to do battle.
Both Vietnam veterans who spent time in brutal POW camps, they are fully equipped with the heaviest of artillery and have biceps which could crush skulls, but their biggest strengths lie in their survival instincts. Braddock and Rambo have been forced to adapt and prospect in the harshest of conditions; relying on minimal food, water, safety or social connectivity. Anyone they come into contact with could be the enemy, and they are ready to defend the very little they possess.
The fight is extremely close and incredibly fierce. Machine gun bullets are flying, karate-kicks are flapping and cheesy dialogue is flowing at full-speed, but Rambo’s unmistakable resilience to carry on – even when death is just a mere breath away – would enable his surge to victory. As Braddock has him on the ground, just inches away from his smoking barrel, Rambo flings up and rips his throat out. They didn’t give the man three further movies for nothing…
Winner: John Rambo
Ellen Ripley vs. The Bride
It isn’t just guys with big guns – both physically and literally – that can really throw down. There are plenty of ladies who are lean, mean and ready to bring the pain. Sigourney Weaver’s no-nonsense Ellen Ripley blasts and battles endless waves of maniacal Xenomorphs, whilst Uma Thurman’s The Bride is supercharged by revenge and bloodlust; ensuring her target is destroyed in the most vicious, sinister manner.
Ripley benefits from years of discipline and training; serving as a First Lieutenant of the United States Colonial Marines Corps and offering invaluable advice to those joining the battle against the palpable alien threat. Meanwhile The Bride is a highly-skilled assassin, formally a core member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad where she served under the name “Black Mamba”. Her premature retirement did little to slow her down; rather fuel her with further rage and violence.
The art of murder is what The Bride knows best, and her kill record is extremely impressive, bur Ripley’s resistance and ability to thrive in the harshest, most unfairly-balanced environments gives her the edge. She’ll linger in the darkness, scurrying from shadow to shadow, before brandishing that unrelentingly powerful machine gun and blowing her opponent to claret-soaked smithereens.
Winner: Ellen Ripley
John McClane vs. James Dalton
These two are both tasked with defending themselves and others against adversity as the aim to protect their locations. For Bruce Willis’ bare-footed, sweat-beaded John McClane he must save hostages held up in an LA tower block during the festive period, whilst Patrick Swayze’s high-kicking, hair-flicking James Dalton must fend off wave after wave of bruising brawlers as he stands guard at a sleazy Missouri bar.
McClane is a seasoned police detective with an array of industry-rendered skills to help defeat and arrest criminals, paired with a scathing wit and brazen attitude which ensures he gets the job done regardless of the cost. Meanwhile Dalton has urban camouflage on his side. A sharp dresser and seemingly gentlemanly, yet he is a respected “cooler”; designed to defuse any and all trouble in whichever environment he is situated. Armed with extensive martial arts training and a care-free nature, he serves as a vicious vigilante hidden in plain sight.
When this duo go at it, only one will survive, and that’ll be McClane. Whilst Dalton can swing a blistering roundhouse kick and deliver a swarm of sharp punches, McClane’s deft policing skills paired with his inability to give a damn ensures that he’ll be shooting and smashing his way through any and all opponents. He has survived an array of assaults throughout the Die Hard franchise, and Dalton is just one of his many unfortunate victims. Yippee-ki-yay!
Winner: John McClane
Which action heroes would you like to see face-off in gory battle? Who do you think is the toughest of them all? Who would reign victorious in a super-fight between The Terminator, Jason Bourne, John Rambo, Ellen Ripley and John McClane? We’d love to hear your thoughts!
Catch the film on VOD on Friday, the 30th of September and check out all the release info on Kickboxer: Vengeance right here.