A zombie apocalypse meets freestyle rap and Bruce Willis sings a power ballad.
If you’re feeling in the mood for a financial-philosophical drama starring a pretty terrific Robert Pattinson, Cosmopolis may be for you. Prepare, though, to be baffled and inspired in equal measure. On the other end of the scale is Rock of Ages, an ode to 80s musical nostalgia and probably a safe alternative for moviegoers who’d rather not see the guy from Twilight getting a prostate exam in the back of a limo.
It’s been a tough week for Hollywood so the vacuous song and dance of Rock of Ages might be welcome for the studios. Production woes are threatening to de-rail some of the biggest upcoming films. Brad Pitt’s World War Z, an epic zombie apocalypse drama, is scheduling massive re-shoots for later in the year, which is rarely a sign that Everything’s Going to Plan.
Johnny Depp’s The Lone Ranger has a budget that’s risen sharply from Absolutely Enormous to Crazily Gargantuan. Meanwhile GI Joe: Retaliation – originally intended to compete with The Amazing Spider-Man – has been pushed back a year to make room for more script development and a 3D conversion. Then there’s the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, which has been abruptly halted. Maybe they just figured that was a bad idea?
Perhaps Hollywood can take inspiration from Rock of Ages. The film itself may not be all that original, but the musical element would be a fresh and unexpected way to fix the movies that are turning into Hollywood headaches.
It’ll be a tense moment in the conference room when Studio Boss calls on his beleaguered Songwriter to offer something inspirational to help lighten the tone of World War Z.
Songwriter responds to her cue and sets the scene: “As Brad Pitt’s terrified UN worker flees the zombie hordes, he scales an abandoned gas station and freestyle raps as the zombies sway in undead unison below…
“I’m surrounded by the walking dead / Their lust for human flesh is filling me with dread / I must keep running, I must survive / Men with big guns may soon arrive / To save me from this awful place / Because I’ll need more than a can of mace / The world as we know it has gone to hell / And the walking dead have an awful smell / I’m all alone and feeling scared / I hope these zombies are vision-impaired!”
Songwriter clears her throat: “The Lone Ranger plays out in the 19th Century so we’ll throw in some old-fashioned vaudeville humour. As the Ranger and Tonto enter a Western town, the Ranger unleashes some much needed operatic exposition…
“I’m the Lone Ranger, bold and brave / I roam the Old West in search of people to save / My sidekick is Tonto and we uphold the laws / People stop and stare when we walk through saloon doors / You’ll come for Johnny Depp and stay for the thrill ride / We’re re-inventing the Western for the fifteen-to-twenty-fives / We’ll be doing glossy visuals and pricey effects / To plaster over plot holes and any screenplay defects.”
Visibly sweating, Songwriter reaches into a nondescript folder and pulls out more lyrics: “GI Joe: Retaliation is pretty male-oriented so some old-fashioned song and dance routines might help cross the gender divide, maybe sung as a power ballad by Bruce Willis before a big battle…
“The GI Joes are here to save the day / We scowl in the face of evil – that’s the GI Joe way! / We’re crazy stacked and very well armed / We have Channing Tatum and The Rock so the ladies will be charmed / Don’t expect complex plots but the action will be ace / We’re converting to 3D so stunts will hit you in the face!”
The Songwriter sits nervously at the table before bellowing: “I’m not Paul McCartney, okay?!”
Studio Boss smiles and nods his appreciation. There could be legions of GI Joes dancing in unison to rousing patriotic power ballads, or perhaps it could be a new direction for the Top Gun sequel? Either way, the future is musical…
