Alex Proyas’ latest production, the accidentally kitsch, historical blockbuster Gods of Egypt begins with petty thief – and mortal – Bek (Brenton Thwaites), stealing a dress for his girlfriend Zaya (Courtney Eaton) for the coronation of King, and God, Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). However the ceremony is abruptly halted by the latter’s uncle Set (Gerard Butler), the unforgiving god of darkness, who takes over the throne.

The community is ripped apart and the once peaceful landscape is now desolate and disparaged, with the relationship between Bek and Zaya feeling the full force as they’re separated from one another. In a bid to restore hope and serenity amongst the people, Bek, knowing that the only person with the aptitude to defeat Set is Horus, takes it upon himself to try and steal back the powerful eyes that belonged to the God, ripped out of their sockets during the conflict. If he manages to pull off this monumental task he could stand a chance of dethroning the malevolent Set – which wouldn’t be too bad, for a mere mortal.

There’s an abundance of illusory one-liners that litter, and cheapen this title, often delivered in the most perilous of situations. You never once get a sense for the severity of the conflict at hand when the characters continuously pause to say something they deem witty. This truly is swords, sandals, and shit dialogue. You would hope, particularly for such a high-budget production, that the aesthetic would work as something of a saving grace, but alas even the use of CGI is underwhelming.

Then there’s the cast – and what a cast. To join the aforementioned variety of actor comes Chadwick Boseman, Elodie Yung, Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush – a remarkable ensemble of talent collated and yet all you can do is ask yourself why they opted in? Not to mention the fact that, despite being set in the North African nation, the entire cast seems to be made up of Americans, Aussies and Brits. While appreciating the need to have big name movie stars to put bums on seats and secure initial funding, it’s a shame to have so few actual Egyptians on board.

It’s unclear as to whether it’s the lacklustre acting or mediocre screenplay which is the prevalent downfall within this endeavour, or perhaps a steady combination of the two – but whatever the concoction, what transpires is a film that shares an unfortunate resemblance to one of those badly dubbed European adverts for something like washing detergent. Which, let’s face it, is not exactly what you’re after. At one point Horus bellows, “What we do in this life matters”, and he’s not wrong either. So heed his advice – and go and watch something else.