For the last decade or so, comedian Adam Sandler has built up a solid business empire with his production company, Happy Madison. Sandler’s own vehicles under that banner have been pretty much critic proof, and for the most part, (inexplicable, many would agree) have continued to bring in incredibly healthy box office takings with relative ease.

Zookeeper, the latest from that assembly line, falls into the more kiddie-orientated strand like 2008’s Bedtime Stories and it star’s Sandler regular Kevin James (also credited as co-writer here) as lovable, yet schlubbish zookeeper and all-round thoroughly caring chap, Griffin. The film opens with his disastrous marriage proposal to vacuous hottie, Stephanie (Leslie Bibb) and he’s left by himself on a beach with a mariachi band he’s hired to celebrate his big moment. Depressed and convinced the reason behind his (now) ex-girlfriend’s reluctance to tie the knot is his less-than-sexy job, he’s on the verge of quitting until one magical night, the animals he looks after reveal that they can actually talk. Working together, the zoo inhabitants intervene and cook up a plan to turn Griffin into a romantic hero and win back his lost love.

The most troubling aspect of the film which continually crops up is this – what kind of psychopath willingly accepts talking animals in such a casual manner and then, almost immediately following this revelation, agrees to be schooled in the way of cool by them!?!? With yet another figure from Sandler’s inner circle onboard as director (Frank Coraci) and boasting the filmmaker behind 2007’s brain-meltingly awful midlife crisis-cum-comic road movie, Wild Hogs, as one of the producers, this was hardly destined to be a future children’s classic, but at least they could have mined a couple of decent gags from it. Alas, that is not the case here, and when the animals out-act the human, you know you’re in big trouble.

The subtle use of real footage and CGI and to help bring the animals to life is actually pretty good, and the voice casting (for the most part) is fairly successful. Unsurprisingly, Sandler crops up playing a gobby and vulgar monkey, and resorts to using that familiar, over-the-top camp Hispanic-sounding accent (and manages to gain the film’s only real laugh), and both Sylvester Stallone as the hopelessly misogynous Joe the lion and Cher as his harassed lioness wife work well together. It’s a mild understatement to say that another star of yesteryear (Nick Nolte) fares less well. He plays the sullen and reclusive Gorilla, Bernie, who Griffin manages to coax out of his shell, and (prepare yourselves) sneaks out for a night of partying at TGI Fridays. What follows is a thoroughly painful montage of the two of them making complete fools of themselves, boozing it up and ogling the waitresses and female customers. All the while, James is performing against an actor in the kind of monkey suit that wouldn’t pass muster in an end-of-pier pantomime. Regardless of the demographic targeted here, modern cinema doesn’t get much more nightmarish than this. Adding to the wince-inducing awfulness, Nolte even starts talking with a horrendous Valspeak inflection as the night progresses. It’s the kind of performance which makes you wonder how long it will be before this once respected actor turns up in yet another police mugshot, looking like the most dishevelled human in the face of the earth. Depressing.

The animal scenes play out alongside a weirdly farcical emotional tug-of-war between Griffin and his ex, and even the zoo’s cool and level-headed vet (Rosario Dawson – sigh) agrees to help the tubby one on his quest, before realising she may have feelings for him (hey, it’s a fantasy film). None of this is amusing in the slightest and things get progressively duller and laboured until the wholly predictable (yet bizarrely action-packed) finale.

Throw in James doing his now customary fat man violently falling over routine and another small yet underwhelming and thoroughly annoying turn by Ken Jeung, and what you have is a tired, formulaic and charm-free entry into the Sandler catalogue, which is hardly an anomaly given the other material in there. Kids will even struggle here, and the sometimes engaging Dr. Doolittle-esque magical conceit of talking animals is not enough to redeem proceedings.

[Rating:1.5/5]