It doesn’t end there. The Extended Edition will be released next year, which is basically the same film only with more footage that the producers trimmed from the first release to keep the running time in check but to tease the hardcore fans. With me so far? Then The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (that’s part two of the trilogy, for the uninitiated) reaches cinemas. At which point everything starts all over again and we’re a step closer to Peter Jackson being declared Supreme Overlord of Mainstream Cinema.
Figuring out which version is The Right Version is tricky, especially as Jackson is unlikely to offer a recommendation. The surprise sound bite of the winter from Team Hobbit would be: “Wow, steer clear of the IMAX 3D edition, guys – it’s kinda pricey and a bit too big for comfort!”
As with much of Hollywood’s modern output, it seems to come down to how much you’re willing to spend, with filmmakers increasingly happy to offer a slightly different (as opposed to ‘better’) experience for each and every budget range. It’s left to Joe Cinema Goer to decide whether this is A Good Thing. Of course you could pay to watch each version of the same film and decide which one you like the most. Easy!
“Welcome, my minions! So, we’ve got an enormous fantasy juggernaut that every cinema fan and adventure movie aficionado will be queuing up to see. That’s great. But I want the Reality TV audience!
“Here’s what we do. We shoot additional footage that re-casts the film with a Reality TV slant. I’m thinking Ryan Seacrest – yes, the guy from American Idol – as Bilbo. He’s good-looking, recognisable and he’ll look great in a crazy wig, short trousers and big, hairy feet. Simon Cowell will be Gandalf. He’s tall, authoritative and whatever he says goes. That’s very wizardy…
“As for the dwarves, I’m thinking about that wacky celebrity family from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. People seem to find them relatable and aspirational individuals. They’re all over the E! Entertainment channel and they’re, like, hot stuff! The ‘dwarves’ could definitely use a big dose of Sexy and the Reality crowd will adore the girls’ pluck as they bounce off each other with their feisty personalities and tackle the magical creatures of Middle Earth.
“The film will feature a guest appearance from Ozzy Osborne as the villainous dragon Smaug. It might even lead to a spin-off movie where a camera crew follows him around and he reveals the trials and tribulations of working as a performance-capture artist and being covered in golf balls all day long.
“Finally, Ant & Dec can make a guest appearance as Gollum so that we can visually represent the split-personality thing. Maybe they can make Ryan Seacrest – as Bilbo – perform crazy bush tucker trials to win The One Ring?
“Naturally the whole thing will end in a brutal battle but we’ll save money by portraying the bloody conflict with spinning tabloid headlines, which is how Reality stars tend to interact with each other anyway. Naturally it’ll all be screened in IMAX 3D!
“I’ve seen the future and it will be Reality!”